I don't know what is going on with me. I think that school is making me nuts. I am someone that had to start working early, and I supported myself with 3 jobs for a long time, now I haven't had a job in a year and a half. I feel so worthless. My therapist thinks I am codependent and I need something or someone to need me. I don't need someone to NEED me, but I would rather be helpful and productive in my community than just be idle. Part of me feels worthless, but another part of me feels guilty. I have time right now to just be lazy and make crafts and learn to cook, but I feel guilty because so many people never have time for anything. I know that is ridiculous.
I guess I should just embrace being a bohemian. I should make my self-indulgent lists, enjoy my xbox time, and finally finish that afghan. Soon enough I will be busy and in high demand.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Anxiety
I have been thinking about my list, but I am not finished yet. Probably because I am a walking, talking anxiety attack right now. I am not even entirely sure what my problem is. I keep reminding myself how wonderful my life is an how blessed I am, but that isn't always an immediate comfort.
I hate school. I am really sick of it. I have been back in college as a full time student for a year and a half. The first few semesters I spent at community college. My teachers were not only inspiring and helpful, they were nice. Since I transferred to a full university I have had nothing but heartache. Financial aid issues, prima donna rich kids, and professors that are judgemental and incompetent. It has been my dream to go to college, and I find that all the forces in the universe are working against me. I try to use these things to make me stronger and forge ahead and "show them". But I spent so many years as an underprivileged child and then adult living in poverty, that sometimes I feel like getting here was my goal, and I didn't save enough fight to finish the degree. I didn't expect it to be easy or to get any handouts. I meet challenges and actually enjoy a struggle. Yet, I never thought there would be so many obstacles and people that would be in my way. Especially, people.
I am shocked by the rude, disaffected attitude of almost everyone in the administration at my school. I am very sad about the general acceptance of hostility from everyone. The students, the professors, no one seems to have any respect for each other and it kills my spirit to have to see these miserable spoiled people everyday. I am so lucky to have finally made it to university and I thank God everyday for my new comfortable and promising life. But I just have this horrible knots in my stomach because I feel worthless. I am joining those spoiled kids. I am hating it, like they do. I want to preserve my bliss, but I feel it slipping away, and I don't know how to stop it.
I have started volunteering. I am hoping to help people, fell useful, and hopefully meet some decent folks.
I hate school. I am really sick of it. I have been back in college as a full time student for a year and a half. The first few semesters I spent at community college. My teachers were not only inspiring and helpful, they were nice. Since I transferred to a full university I have had nothing but heartache. Financial aid issues, prima donna rich kids, and professors that are judgemental and incompetent. It has been my dream to go to college, and I find that all the forces in the universe are working against me. I try to use these things to make me stronger and forge ahead and "show them". But I spent so many years as an underprivileged child and then adult living in poverty, that sometimes I feel like getting here was my goal, and I didn't save enough fight to finish the degree. I didn't expect it to be easy or to get any handouts. I meet challenges and actually enjoy a struggle. Yet, I never thought there would be so many obstacles and people that would be in my way. Especially, people.
I am shocked by the rude, disaffected attitude of almost everyone in the administration at my school. I am very sad about the general acceptance of hostility from everyone. The students, the professors, no one seems to have any respect for each other and it kills my spirit to have to see these miserable spoiled people everyday. I am so lucky to have finally made it to university and I thank God everyday for my new comfortable and promising life. But I just have this horrible knots in my stomach because I feel worthless. I am joining those spoiled kids. I am hating it, like they do. I want to preserve my bliss, but I feel it slipping away, and I don't know how to stop it.
I have started volunteering. I am hoping to help people, fell useful, and hopefully meet some decent folks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
